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What Blokes Can Do With A Stupid Selfie Stick

If you are a guy and you own a selfie stick, then don’t read this article! How self-obsessed do you need to be to buy a metre long apparatus that allows you to take even more ridiculous photos of yourself?  Selfie sticks are stupid, and if your missus happens to own one, then I have come up with ten “bloke uses” for it.

  • Back hair removal apparatus

If the last time you visited the Joburg Zoo the primates howled and threw banana peels at you from their enclosure, it’s because they recognize you as one of their own! Want to know what gave it away? It’s the hair creeping out the back of your collar, bud! But I will cut you a little slack…

Back hair is notoriously difficult to remove, and asking your wife to sort it out with a little shaving cream and a razor after dinner isn’t going to move you up a rung on the “sexy husband” ladder, is it?

But perhaps, there is a useless selfie stick lying around the house somewhere?

Use the section of the selfie stick designed to hold the phone to secure a bath sponge onto. Then thoroughly apply shaving foam to your back using the selfie stick to reach all those hard to reach spots. Remove the sponge and gently strap a razor on before turning the selfie stick into a stealthy back shaving machine. The selfie stick hair remover is guaranteed to have your back looking smoother than a baby’s bum.

  • Doggy poopa-scoopa

The selfie stick has a reach of around 1 metre (when fully extended). Why do you need to buy an expensive doggy poop scoop? What a waste! Next time you take the dog out for a walk, grab the missus’ selfie stick along with a Checkers plastic bag and viola, perfectly placed poops in a bag ready to hit the trash can on your way home.

  • Coolerbox king

Ever been perfectly positioned in a CampMaster bush chair with the cooler box just out of reach? Bloody torture isn’t it! Well, not if you have a selfie stick on hand! Pull it out from under your chair, extend it fully and lift the cooler box lid, before using the camera insert section of the selfie stick to manoeuvre an icy cold beverage out of the coolerbox and onto the floor. Then gently roll the can (or bottle) towards you until you can pick it up without having to forgo an inch of comfort. Crack beer open, sip foam and high five your mate next to you. Selfie sticks rule!

  • The drunk stick

If you haven’t come home at three in the morning, “drunk as a skunk” bashing into everything while you fumble around for the light switch, you haven’t lived my friend. Nothing gets you in more trouble with the missus than “smash and bash” antics in the wee hours of the morning. What our respective partners don’t understand is that it’s almost impossible  to navigate living room furniture in pitch darkness after ten pints of beer, especially when someone has re-arranged the furniture in our absence 🙂 But, this is when the selfie stick could come in handy and I would suggest leaving it under the car seat permanently. Once you have the car safely parked in the garage (with the hand-brake up) make sure you have the extended selfie stick out before entering the house. Then, like a blind person, use the selfie stick to navigate your way around the living room and into your bedroom without even flicking the Bic lighter in your pocket. Come on, it’s a  genius idea!

  • “Just out of reach” golf ball retriever

If it’s in the water, it’s in the water. Best you pull a new ball out the golf bag and move on. But, on the odd occasion, you might have just picked up the wrong golf club and pushed the ball a little long into the water hazard.  If it’s just out of arms reach, you don’t need an expensive golf ball retriever. Nope sir, you need your wife’s selfie stick. Get a little netting and create your own nifty golf ball rescue gadget. If your mates don’t buy you a round at the 19th for your ingenuity then find new mates.

  • Braai Meister

The only problem with a braai is all the kukk that flings up from the grill (especially when you have some wors on it). It’s the worst when you arrive at a braai and suddenly you are the one charged with getting the chow cooked. Might as well write off that new R400 polo shirt you bought last week (it’s going to be full of oil and grease). Ok, perhaps someone might throw an apron your way, if you are lucky, but failing that, you could always look for a selfie stick. It’s going to provide you with an all important extra meter coverage from the sizzling grill, which is all you need to stay grease free.  Get some duct tape and strap a fork onto the end of the selfie stick and your grease worries are over my friend (now all you need is a little blood on your face and you have a scene from Lord of the Flies)

  •  Light bulb un-screwer

Light bulb pops, living room goes out, and now because you are the man of the house (with hands of steel), you need to unscrew a light bulb that has been burning at a million degrees fahrenheit! Forget that. Once blistered, twice scarred…Grab the selfie stick, rip off that useless section that is supposed to secure a phone or something, smack a few Dentyne in your mouth, get it all chewed up, before popping it onto the end of the selfie stick. Now, extend it directly beneath the light bulb. Make sure the gum sticks to the bulb and gently unscrew with a few easy turns of your wrist. Once the task is completed, turn to the entire family on the coach and take a bow. Hands saved and a legend is born (in less than 3 minutes)

  • Pool hustler

What did the pool cue look like the last time you played? Like a hamster had gnawed on the end of it, right? Nothing worse than lining it up for the corner pocket, hitting it squarely, then watching the white ball zig zag out of control, like a taxi on Jan Smuts avenue, because the cue tip looks like a nose with severe acne. Next time there is a game of pool on at a mate’s house, I would suggest taking your own selfie pool cue with ( I might actually trade mark that). Now, before you knock it, consider this: it’s small enough to pop into your cooler box and whip out when your are next up to challenge the formidable table holder. Extend the selfie stick slowly (in order to hold the attention of the room), you have already taken off the end of the selfie stick and replaced it with a brand new cue tip. Now lean over and break the balls like a professional. Then clean up without giving the other chump a chance.

  • Unsolicited windscreen cleaner bliksem stick

I understand that people need to earn a living, but I get so angry when I pull up to an intersection and one of those guys, with a buddy bottle of dish washing liquid, jumps me. “No thanks”, I mutter politely, but before you know it he has started splashing his concoction all over your windscreen and then uses some dilapidated windscreen wiper to give you a “free windscreen wash”. Free my ass! If you want some money, just ask, but back off from my car, man! So I am going to use the selfie stick to hand out a klap next time one of these guys jumps me at an intersection.

  • Creepy crawler crusher

When something really dodgy like a Parktown prawn walks into your house, it’s the man’s responsibility to handle the situation. This is how it has been since the beginning of humankind. When faced with imminent danger, the man comes to the families rescue. But, if we are honest, all of us will hold up our hands and say truthfully that their is always a little anxiety when looking crawlies straight in the eye. I personally would prefer to end their lives from a safe distance and my final “bloke use” for a stupid selfie stick is using it to crush horrible crawling things, from at least a metre away (the length of a selfie stick). Line the creepy crawler up, take aim with the camera insert section of the selfie stick and sort the situation out with one swift downward blow (SMACK). Then just for laughs, don’t clean the splatter up on the selfie stick and see what the wife says next time she picks it up for a photo opportunity.

Got anymore ideas we could use those stupid selfie sticks for? Leave a comment below and make sure you tick the “Notify me of new posts vie email” tick box if you want to keep the conversation going.

SLEB

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